vickovitis

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th-floor assisted-living apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in defense of herself. "Your Honor," she began coolly, "I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly."

Stephanie goes to a job interview. The boss says, "I'll give you 8 dollars an hour starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to 12 dollars an hour. So when would you like to start?" Stephanie replies, "So how about 3 months from now?"

Šalje sin majci pismo u Dalmaciju sa dvije vijesti, dobra i loša. Prvo dobra: Ostavija san drogu. Loša. Ne znan di san je ostavija.

Nakon dugog nagovaranja, muz je odveo zenu na prvu partiju golfa U njenom zivotu, i sto je bilo ocekivano njen prvi udarac je zavrsio u prozoru predivne kuce u blizini golf igralista. Muz je poludeo. - "Upozorio sam te da budes oprezna, sad cemo morati otici tamo, izvinuti se i platiti stetu na prozoru." I tako je par otisao do kuce i pokucao na vrata. Iznutra se zacuo ugodan glas. - "Udjite." Kad su usli imali su sta videti, ne samo da je prozor bio razbijen, i staklo posvuda po podu, nego se razbila i predivna antikna vaza. Na naslonjacu je lezao mladji muskarac. 
- "Da li ste vi par koji je razbio prozor?" - "Da, gospodine, strasno nam je zao." - "Oh, nije se potrebno izvinjavati, zapravo, ja sam Vam vrlo zahvalan. Vidite, ja sam duh i bio sam zarobljen u toj vazi vise od 1000 godina. Sad kad ste me oslobodili, mogu Vam ispuniti tri zelje. Ako vam ne smeta svakome bih ispunio po jednu zelju, a zadnju bih ostavio za sebe." - "Oh, to je odlicno." kaze muz. Razmislio je na trenutak i rekao. - "Zelim milion dolara svake godine do kraja moga zivota." - "Nema problema" rekao je duh, "to je najmanje sto mogu uciniti, uz to garantujem Vam dug i zdrav zivot. A sad vi gospodjo, sto vi zelite?" - "Zelim ogromnu kucu sa slugama u svakoj drzavi na svetu." Kaze ona. - "Racunajte da je sredjeno" kaze duh. "I ne samo to, vas dom ce uvek biti siguran od pozara, provalnika i drugih prirodnih katastrofa." 
- "A sada," kazu muz i zena zajedno, "koja je tvoja zelja?" - "Pa dobro, kako sam bio zarobljen vise od hiljadu godina, moja zelja je da imam sex sa Vasom zenom." Muz pogleda zenu i kaze: - "Pa draga, znas da smo oboje bogati, imamo sve te kuce, sto kazes?" Ona je razmisljala trenutak i rekla. - "Znas, nije mi svejedno, ali s obzirom na sve, mogla bih to podneti, ali sto je s tobom dragi?" - "Draga, znas da te volim." kaze suprug. I tako duh i zena otidju uz stepenice, gdje su proveli ostatak dana uzivajuci jedno u drugom. Duh je bio nezasit. Nakon neka tri sata non-stop sexa, duh se okrene i pogleda zenu direktno u oci. 
- "Koliko godina imate ti i tvoj muz?" upita. - "Pa oboje imamo oko 35 godina." odgovori zena. 
- "Bez zajebancije, 35 godina i jos oboje verujete u duhove?"

For all those men who are forced to go shopping with wives when they'd rather stay home and watch TV or just veg out, here's one way to amuse yourself at the store and make sure you won't have to go back: Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while and then yell loudly "There's no toilet paper in here!" 
* * * When I was born, I got a choice - A big dick or a good memory. I am not able to remember, what did I choose?
* * * Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory. 
* * * My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects. 
* * * Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings". 
* * * There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - don't and stop, unless they are used together. 
* * * Panties are not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth. 
* * * I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small. 
* * * Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy. 
* * * Q: What's an Australian kiss? A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under 
* * * Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? A: Breasts don't have eyes. 
* * * Of course you've heard about the Viagra computer virus, it turns your 3 1/2 inch floppy into a hard disk.

The only cow in a small town in Poland stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from Moscow for 2,000 rubles, or one from Minsk for 1,000 rubles. Being frugal, they bought the cow from Minsk. The cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again. They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. 
The people were very upset and decided to ask the rabbi, who was very wise, what to do. They told the rabbi what was happening. "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she just walks away to the other side. " The rabbi thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk?" The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they had gotten the cow. "You are truly a wise rabbi," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Minsk?" The rabbi answered sadly, "My wife is from Minsk." 

* * * There was a farmer who had four daughters. One night, he heard a knock at the door and found a young man standing there. The young man said, "My name is Freddy. I've come to pick up Betty. We're going out for spaghetti. I hope she's ready." The farmer thought that this was cute, so he let them go out. Pretty soon there was another knock at the door and another young man was there. He said, "My name is Vance. I've come for Nance. We're going to a dance. Is she ready by chance?" Again, the farmer thought this was ! cute and let them go. Soon, another knock on the door with yet another young man standing there. He said, "My name is Moe. I'm here to get Flo. We're going to a show. Is she ready to go?" Again the farmer was amused and let them go. Once again, there was a knock on the door and a young man was standing there. He began, "My name is Chuck." The farmer shot him. 

* * * Moishe one fine afternoon takes a walk in the forest near his home. After a while he has to relieve himself. This he does by squatting behind some bushes. There is no toilet paper so ( YOU should excuse him) he wipes himself with some nearby leaves. After a while his backside begins to itch unbearably. Moishe quickly returns home calls a taxi and goes to the doctor. "Moishe, I got some bad news. You appear to have wiped yourself with poison ivy," says the doctor. "Oh my G-d what am I going to do?" cries Moishe. The itching is driving me crazy." "Don't worry", counsels the doctor. Here is some Medicated Powder. "Go home and put one packet in a gallon of warm water and soak your bottom in it for thirty minutes every four hours. It will take the itching away." Moishe goes home and puts a packet of powder into a warm pot of water. He places this in the center of the kitchen floor and sits in it as ordered. After a short while his wife Sarah comes home and starts to scream at the sight of him sitting naked in a pot in the middle of the kitchen floor. "Moishe bist meshuga? Vos tist du? Vos tist du?" Moishe screams back trying to explain: the woods, the leaves, the doctor, the poison ivy, the powder etc etc. "Ivy shmyvy", she screams back. "Nem aroyse dien fleischedickeh toochess fun der milichdickeh tepple." [What's gotten Sarah is that Moishe has his meaty ass in a milk dish.] 

* * * A backward poet writes inverse. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking. Dijon vu - the same mustard as before. Practice safe eating - always use condiments. Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death. A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy. A hangover is the wrath of grapes. Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play. Sea captains don't like crew cuts. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion. Reading while sunbathing makes you well red. When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.) Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes. She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg , but broke it off. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key. Every calendar's days are numbered. A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. He had a photographic memory that was never developed. A plateau is a high form of flattery. A midget fortuneteller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses. Acupuncture is a jab well done. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat. 

* * * A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises. 

* * * Two women were talking about their lives since they had become Nursing Home residents. They both agreed that life was still good but one woman, Ethel, said she was rather upset because her sex life had really died out since she and her husband had come to the nursing home. The other woman, Mabel, said that her sex life was still wonderful. "The secret to great sex is this: When my husband is getting ready for bed, I get undressed, lay on the bed and put both legs behind my head. When he comes out and sees me like that he gets so excited, we have wild sex the rest of the night!" Ethel said, "I'm going to try that tonight!" When her husband is getting ready in the bathroom that night, Ethel takes off all her clothes. Although it's quite a struggle, she gets one leg up and behind her head. Pretty soon, she has the other leg behind her head as well. After accomplishing this great feat, Ethel falls backwards and can't move. It's not too long before her husband comes out of the bathroom... With a shocked look on his face, her husband yells: "For God's sake Ethel, comb your hair and put your teeth in, you look like an asshole!" 

Smart Teacher A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family - but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever." A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

A mature woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her husband's sex drive. "Have you considered trying Viagra?" asks the doctor. "Not a chance," says Mrs. Murphy. "He won't even take an aspirin for a headache." "No problem -- there's away around that," replies the doctor. "Drop it into his coffee -- he won't even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how you got on." A week later Mrs. Murphy returns to the doctor and the doctor inquires as to how things went. "Oh doctor, it was horrible, horrible, horrible!" "What happened?" asks the doctor, aghast. "Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, ripped my clothes off and then proceeded to make passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was horrible!" "What was horrible?" asked the doctor. "Was the sex not fulfilling?" "Oh no, doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years. But I don't think I'll ever be able to show my face at Starbucks coffee house again!"

Taman sam sjeo na skoljku kad sam zacuo glas iz druge kabine: "Hej, kako si?" Nisam bas tip koji zapocinje konverzaciju u muskom WC-u ali ne znam sto me snaslo, pa sam odgovorio, pomalo sramezljivo, "Ide, dobro!" A drugi tip je upitao: "I, cime se bavis?" Kakvo je to pitanje? U tom sam trenutku pomislio da je vrlo bizarno, pa sam odgovorio: "Uhhh, putujem, bas kao i ti!" Tada sam pokusao izaci sto je moguce prije, ali sam zacuo sljedece pitanje: "Mogu li doci kod tebe?" OK, ovo je pitanje ipak previse nastrano za mene, ali sam skuzio da mogu samo biti pristojan i zavrsiti razgovor. Rekao sam mu: "Ne........trenutno sam zauzet necim!!!" Tada zacuh tipa, nervoznog... "Cuj, Nazvat cu te kasnije. U susjednoj kabini je neki idiot koji ogovara na sva moja pitanja!!!"

Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing, standing up. Finkelstein looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna tell the wife?" They draw straws. Goldberg picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse. "Discreet? I'm the most discreet mensch you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me." Goldberg goes over to the Meyerwitz apartment and knocks on the door. The wife answers and asks what he wants. Goldberg declares," Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home." The wife says, "Tell him to drop dead!". "I'll go tell him," says Goldberg.

idu dvije dlake ulicom jednu udari auto a druga će za dlaku me udarilo

There was a middle-aged guy who bought a brand new Mercedes convertible SLK. He took off down the road, flooring it up to 95 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. "This is great," he thought, and floored it some more. He looked in his rear view mirror and there was a Texas Highway Patrol Trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blasting. "I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he floored it some more and flew down the road at over 135 mph. Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing" and pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the State Trooper to catch up. The Trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked up to the man. "Sir," he said, looking at his watch "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is my birthday, so I'm in a pretty good mood. Considering that you stopped for me, if you can give me a reason why you were speeding, that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The man looked back at the Trooper and said, "Last week my wife ran off with a State Trooper and I thought you were bringing her back." The State Trooper said, "Have a nice day".

Saraj'vo, kafana. Sede i politiziraju Musliman, Hrvat i Srbin. Deru se: ti s' ubio tol'ko, ovaj tol'ko, ti si silovao i tome slicno. Mujo konobar brise case za sankom. Odjednom ulazi jedan Unproforac u koznom mantilu, a Mujo ce: Ajmo malo o picki, ajmo malo o picki !!!!!

Zaustavlja čovjek pandura na ulici i pita ga:
- Iiiiizviinite, ggggdje ssse ooovdje nnnnalazi šššššškola za mmmucanje? 
A pandur će:
- Šta će ti škola, super mucaš!

Mujo sretne Hasu i veli mu:
- E, bolan, Haso, ja sam se zaštitio od AIDSA sto posto. Stalno nosim
kurton. Skidam ga samo kad pišam i kad jebem!

Zaposlio se Mujo u Centra-Transu kao vozač autobusa. Na raspodjeli zadataka,
šef mu reče:
- Mujo, moraćeš i voziti i naplaćivati karte.
Mujo kaže:
- Nema problema.
Isti dan strmopizdio se u neku provaliju i skršio autobus u komade. Došao
šef u bolnicu da ga obiđe i pita ga kako je došlo do udesa. Mujo veli:
- Nemam ti ja blage veze, ja sam bio u zadnjem dijelu i naplaćivao karte.

Pecao Mujo, i nakon nekog vremena uhvati on zlatnu ribicu! Kaže ona njemu:
- Mujo, pusti me, pusti me, i ispuniću ti želju!!!
A Mujo će njoj:
- Ma daj, ne seri!
I umre ribica od začepljenja crijeva.


Ušao Crnogorac u ženski WC ne bi li se popišao, kad ulazi jedna žena i
kaže:
- Životinjo!
A na to će Crnogorac:
- Ne brinite, gospođo, držim ga za glavu.


Krenula Fata Muji u bolnicu, sjela u taksi, ali je u brzini zaboravila
novčanik. Sva zbunjena zamoli taksista da se vrati jer nema love. Taksist
kaže da to nije neki problem jer vožnju može platiti tako što će mu
otpjevati jednu pesmu ili mu 'dati'. Kad je došla u bolnicu, ispriča Muji
što joj se desilo. Na to će Mujo:
- Matere ti, koju si mu pjesmu otpjevala?
- Pa zar ti misliš da je meni do pjesme dok si mi ti u bolnici?


Došao Mujo u birtiju i čitavo veče časti raju:
- Konobar, piće meni, piće tebi, piće cijeloj kafani.
I tako tura za turom. Došao fajront - konobar da naplati, al' Mujo nema ni
dinara. I što će, konobar ga izbuba i izbaci na ulicu. Sutra uvečer, opet
ista scena.
- Konobar, piće meni, piće tebi, piće celoj kafani.
Opet kad je došao račun, Mujo nema ni kinte. Konobar ga izbaci sve s noge na
nogu. Sutra uvečer došao Mujo i kaže:
- Konobar, piće meni, piće celoj kafani!
- A što je sa mnom? - pita konobar.
- Nema tebi - kaže Mujo - gadan si kad popiješ!


Jidish: 
Hello, is this the Levy residence?" "Aha. Mit whom you vish to speak?" "Is Mr. Levy there?" "Dis time of the day? Mr. Levy is voikink." "Is Thelma at home?" "In school is Thelma." "Then how about Harry? Can I speak to him?" Harry? In colletch is Harry. He should be a doctor." "I see. Is this Mrs. Levy?" "Mrs. levy, she's shoppink in de supermokkit." "Well, who is this?" "Dis? Dis is Daisy, de schvartze!"

Došao Mujo s Fatom u London. Uzeli taxi do hotela i pošto je vožnja duže trajala taksista se rasprièa. * "Where are you from?" - upita on. * "We are from Bosnia." - odgovori Mujo * "Šta kaže?" - pita Fata. * "Pitao me odakle smo i ja mu odgovorio da smo iz Bosne!" - odgovori Mujo. Nakon izvesnog vremena upita taksista ponovo: * "And where do you live in Bosnia?" * "We live in Sarajevo." - odgovori Mujo. * "Šta kaže?" - pita Fata. * "Pitao me gdje u Bosni živimo i ja mu rekao u Sarajevu!" - odgovori Mujo * "Oh, my God, in Sarajevo?! There I had the worst fuck in my life!" - reèe taksista. * "Šta kaže?" - upita Fata * "Kaže da te poznaje!" - odgovori Mujo

Kaze doktor Muji: "Mujo, živjet ceš još godinu dana!" "A od cega, matere ti?"

Pita Fata Muju: - Sto je to situacija? - Situacija ti je kada ti mene zateknes u krevetu s drugom zenom - kaze Mujo. - Znaci, kao kad ti mene zateknes u krevetu s drugim? - Fato! Nemoj mi bona mijesati situaciju i batine!

Dodje mala Nefertiti u skolu, uciteljica kaze: - Hajde, izvadite tablice, grebacemo diktat. Mali Egipcani izvade tablice i uciteljica pocne: - A sad pisite: Nas bog Amon Raa je jako prepotentan... Mala Nefertiti digne ruku : - Izvinite uciteljice, izostala sam 5 dana iz skole, pa ne znam da li se "prepotentan" pise sa dva ili tri kurca?

Seta se Mujo pokraj rijeke i ugleda kako se jedan covjek bacio s mosta. Oni skoci za njim u vodu i spasi ga. Ali covjek se opet zaleti i baci se uvodu a Mujo ga opet spasi. Covjek vise ocajan odluci da se objesi a Mujo nista. U tom jedan prolaznik pita Muju: - "Spasio si ga 2 puta, sto si ga sad pustio da se objesi?" A Mujo ce njemu: - "Pusti covjeka nek se cijedi."

Ufati Huso sa Fatom i Malim Mujicom zlatnu ribicu. Pusti me, da ispunim trio zelje. Huso pusti i pita Mujicu: Sta bi ti ceo? Ja bi jednog cuku !!!!! Ma, jebo ti cuko mater! viknu Huso. Skidaj tog cuku sa me - vristi Fata !

Job Stress Remedy... When you have an "I hate my job" day, try this. On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing and lie down on your bed. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken. Take out the literature and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement, "Every rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson is personally tested". Now, close your eyes and repeat out aloud five times: "I am sooo glad do not work for quality control at Johnson and Johnson."

baba pred samrti zeli poslednji sex.I tako baba zove Zigola crewa iz novog beograda . Dolazi on kod nje uhvati da odradi posao .Posle loseg sexa kaze zigolo baba nesto tesko ide, i ode on .Zove ga baba sutra ponovo i doodje on .Uhvati on ponovo babu i baba sva klizi u i ulazi i izlazi glatko.Pita on babu posle sexa kako je to moguce . kad kaze baba " POSLE KRASTE UVEK IDE GNOJ "

Bosansko more. Neum, prepuna plaza. Mali Esad otplivao dosta daleko od obale. Ustane njegova mama i vikne: "Esade nemoj plivati tako daleko! Mog'o bi te grc uhvatit!" Par sekundi kasnije ustane jedna druga zena i vikne svom sinu: "Samire, ne idi tako daleko, tamo ima grceva!"

Sex je upornost,snaga izdrzljivost.Rece mrav i podize prvi par nogu stonogi !

A man walks into a bar. He sees a good-looking, smartly-dressed woman perched on a bar stool. He walks up behind her and says, "Hi." She looks him straight in the eye and says, "I'll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn't matter. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college. I just flat love it." He says, "No kidding, I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you with?"

Boy who failed maths....a message for my children.... 
A ten-year-old Jewish boy was failing mathematics. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis, not to mention summer school-all to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school. After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused, and very determined expression on his face. He went straight past them, right to his room and quietly closed the door. For two hours he toiled away in his room - with mathematics books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime. This pattern of behavior continued until it was time for the first quarter's report card. The boy walked in with it unopened- laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it and, to her amazement, she saw the letter 'A' under the subject of Mathematics. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at his remarkable progress. "Was it the nuns that did it?" the father asked. The boy shook his head and said "No." "Was it the one-to-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?" "No." "Better textbooks? teachers? curriculum?" "No," said the son, "on that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they meant business!" 
pozdrav iz Melburna - Ivan

Stari vicevi - nisu sa bradom nego samo prelili sa prve strane...

The Auditor 
A bright, young, fresh-out-of-school auditor just joined the ATO, excited to begin tracking down high-powered offenders. Anxious for his first high-powered audit, he was a bit dismayed when his assignment was to audit a Rabbi. 
Looking over the books and taxes were pretty straight forward, and the Rabbi clearly very frugal, so he thought he'd make his day interesting by having a little fun with the Rabbi. "Rabbi," he said, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles." 
"Yes," answered the Rabbi. 
"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked. 
"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up and when we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker. And every now and then, they send us a free box of candles." 
"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his unusual question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd go on, in his obnoxious way...
 "Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?" 
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up all the crumbs from the matzo and when we have enough, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls." 
"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi. 
"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?"
"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to the Australian Taxation Office (ATO)" 
"The ATO?," questioned the auditor in disbelief. 
"Ahh, yes," replied the Rabbi, "the ATO. ...and about once a year, they send us a little prick like you. 
Pozdrav Ivan Blajer- Melbourne

The rabbi story 
There is a story about a popular young rabbi, who on  Sabbath eve announces to the congregation that he  will not renew his contract and is moving on to a larger  congregation that will pay him more. 
There is a hush. No one wants him to leave. Epstein, who owns several car dealerships, stands up  and announces, "If the rabbi stays, I'll provide him  with a new sedan every year, and his lovely wife with a  mini van, to transport their children!" 
The congregation sighs, and applauds.  Goldstein, the entrepreneur and investor stands and  says,  "If the rabbi stays, I'll double his salary, and  establish a  foundation to guarantee the college education of his  children!!"  More sighs and applause. 
Old Mrs. Goldfarb, aged 96, stands and announces,  "If the rabbi stays, I offer SEX!!"  There is a hush. The rabbi, blushing, asks, "Mrs.  Goldfarb, whatever possessed you to say that?"   Mrs. Goldfarb answers, "I just asked my husband  what we could contribute to make the rabbi stay, and he said,  'Fuck the rabbi!'" 
Pozdrav iz Melburna - Ivan

  (Ne)vidjeni BGD grafiti

Dobar pasulj daleko se cuje!- 

Ako mi pozajmis sto maraka bicu ti duznik celog zivota- 

Ko umre s jeseni za njega nema zime- 

Zene se dele na udovice i one koje rade na tome- 

 Neko drugi ce morati da plati ceh - mi ovakav zivot nismo narucili- 

 Komunizam je sigurno izmislio politicar, naucnik bi prvo napravio eksperiment s misevima- 

 Mi nismo hipici (DECA CVECA). Mi smo DECA kuce CVECA- 

 Imam problema sa zenom - mesa mi se u brak- 

 Stedite suzavac - plakacemo i bez njega- 

 Ubij jednoga onda si ubica, ubij hiljadu onda si heroj, ubij milione onda si drzavnik- 

 Posto pametniji popusta glupaci vladaju svetom- 

 Maticar je sudija koji osudjuje na dozivotnu- 

 Jedino ekser ne ide glavom kroz zid- 

 Austrija, to je Nemacka van sebe- 

 Golubovi, to su ptice serice- 

 Razlog sto mnogo zena od cetrdeset godina boluje od raznih bolesti je u tome sto vecina njih ima preko pedeset- 

 Zao mi je sto vise nikad necu imati dvadeset godina - ni pod sobom- 

 Gresiti je ljudski ali je osecaj bozanski- 

 Teorija relativitete: jedna dlaka u supi je relativno mnogo, a na glavi relativno malo- 

 Makedonci su Srbi sa pogolemata govorna mana- 

 Bombardujte pa da krecim- 

 Policija pazi da nas ne bije maler- 

 Nema brasna nema hleba Glasali ste TAKO TREBA- 

 Infarkt ma kakav da je, od srca je- 

 SVE SU GLJIVE JESTIVE ALI NEKE SAMO JEDANPUT- 

 Ako vam ide suvise lako pogledajte bolje, mozda vam ide nizbrdo- 

 Najlaksi nacin da ti ime dospe u novine je da ih citas dok prelazis ulicu- 

 Samo jednom se ljubi - sve je ostalo praksa- 

 Ne volim mitinge, tu najbolja mesta uvek zauzme policija- 

 Kad pandur skoci u vodu cuje se GLUP! Itd. 

Vest iz Slovenije: "Iz domace lekarne sporocamo da je v trgovino prisla nova tabletka - Viagra Light, ki kurca ne digne potpono, ampak je primerena za dober izgled v kupalnim gacama."

Uhapsili Hasu zbog silovanja i odveli ga kadiji.
Pita kadija, sta je uradio.
- "Silovanje gospodine", odgovori policajac iz pratnje.
- "Mustafa, okrivljenom uradi sve sto je on radio toj jadnoj zeni."
Haso ce ti na to:
- "Pa gospon kadija nemoj te molim vas. Pa nisam ja to htio. Pa nije namjerno. Molim vas postedite me."
- "Mustafa vodi ga. Sljedeci ! Sta je ovaj uradio?"
- "Krada, gospon kadija."
- "Mustafa ! Odsjeci mu ruku. Sljedeci! Sta je ovaj uradio?"
- "Ubistvo gospodine."
- "Mustafa ! Otkini mu glavu. Vodi ih sve trojicu i za danas je dosta."
Vodi njih Mustafa hodnikom, kad ce ti Haso njemu.
- "Mustafa, Muki... Mene samo da jebes, nemoj zaboravit."

Reklama za radnju jednog srbijanskog pogrebnika:
"U sanduku Djurdjevic Radise
ni ziv covek ne moze da dise.
Sve dihtuje od majstorske ruke,
mozes mirno da trulis, bez muke.
Svece su mu od pravoga voska,
od miline utrne ti koska.
Venci su mu da se mrtav divis,
da ti prosto dodje da ozivis!
Sve je dobro, prvoklasna roba,
ne moz' mrtav da bega iz groba!
U sanduku Djurdjevic Radise,
nema vampir da se pederise!
Ako cete na miru da mrete,
kod Radise vise dobicete!"

Odluce Mujo i Haso da idu u lov na medvede i poce dogovor oko toga sta treba da ponesu od oruzja. Haso navalio da ponesu neke silne puske i tako to, kad ce ti Mujo: - "Cu' ba, sta ce ti to. Za lov na medveda ti je dovoljno da svako uzme po jednu toljagu i da povedemo mog psa Zucka." Haso se tu cudio i bunio al na kraju pristade. I tako krenu oni u lov sa sve toljagama i Zuckom. Idu tako kroz sumu i odjednom vide medveda kako se popeo na drvo. Mujo: - "Paz' sad dobro Haso. Ja cu da pridjem ispod i da zatresem drvo, medved ce da padne, Zucko ce medveda da mazne za jaja a onda cemo ja i ti da navalimo toljagama na medveda i da ga dotucemo." Haso: - "U redu." I tako i bi. Mujo zatrese drvo, medved pade, Zucko maznu medveda za jaja i oni pritrcase sa toljagama i ubise medveda. Tu se Haso silno obradovao sto tako lako uhvatise medu pa navali da uhvate jos kojeg. Nastave oni tako da idu dalje kroz sumu i vide drugog medveda kako se popeo na drvo. - "Ajde ,ajde pa da i ovoga uhvatimo!" - navali Haso. Mujo: - "Cekaj ba polako. Pazi sad. Ovo je drvo mnogo debelo. Ja cu da se popnem na drvo do ispod medveda (tamo je drvo tanje) pa cu da ga zatresem, a ti dobro pazi. Ako prvo padne medved ti uzmi toljagu, pa udri medveda po glavi. Ali ako prvo padnem ja, udri Zucka namrtvo."

Trazio Arkan novog coveka da mu skuplja nedeljne priloge od privatnika koje je "stitio". Bojeci se izdaje, odluci da uzme gluvonemog za taj posao. Nece pricati okolo, a ako dodje do "suda naroda" nece nista izdati jer ga niko ne razume. Prve sedmice sakupljac skupi 50.000DEM. Osladise mu se pare i odluci da ih sakrije na sigurno mesto. Arkan brzo shvati da prilozi kasne i posalje jednog od gorila da pita za pare. Naravno gorila nije mogao da komunicira sa gluvonemim pa angazuje Muju koji je znao "jezik znakova" da prevodi. Gorila: "Pitaj ga gde su pare" Mujo prevede. Gluvonemi (jezikom znakova): "O kakvim se parama radi? Ja nemam pojma." Mujo: "Kaze da nema pojma" Gorila poteze pistolj, stavi cev u uvo gluvonemom i rece Muji: "Pitaj ga SADA gde su pare". Mujo opet:"Gdje su pare?" Gluvonemi odgovori:"50.000 DEM je sakriveno na Kalemegdanu u supljini treche lipe sa desne strane glavnog ulaza". Mujo prevede:"On kaze da i dalje nema pojma o cemu ti pricas i misli da nemas muda da povuces obarac"

usao policajac u stanicu i rece sefu: sefe ispred je mrtva zena. a sef kaze: sta hoce?

A Jewish family is considering putting their grandfather in a nursing home. All the Jewish facilities are completely full so they have to put him in a Catholic home. After a few weeks in the Catholic facility they come to visit grandpa. "How do you like it here?" asks the grandson. "It's wonderful. Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," says grandpa. "We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you." "Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents here," grandpa says with a big smile. "There's a musician here -- he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years, and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'! And there's a physician here -- 90 years old. He hasn't been practicing medicine for 25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'! And me, I haven't had sex for 30 years and they still call me the fucking Jew."

On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?" For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a Serbian man stands up in the rear of the plane. He is gorgeous: tall, well built, with black hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt.....one button at a time. No one moves. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest. She gasps... He whispers: "Iron this, and get me something to eat!"

Putnici u avionu su sedeli na svojim sedistima kad je usao prvi pilot Pera s crnim naocarima na ocima, cvrsto drzeci kais psa za slepe. Pas ga je odveo u kabinu. Putnici su zinuli od cuda ali su i dalje mirno sedeli na svojim sedistima. Potom udje drugi pilot Mika, takodje sa crnim naocarima na ocima, obazrivo pipajuci belim stapom po avionu iduci ka pilotskoj kabini. Putnici zbunjeno sede na svojim mestima kao prikovani. Ubrzo se upalise motori i avion poce da rula po pisti. Putnicima stao dah, avion divlja po stazi, oni do prozora ugledase mocvare koje pocinju tamo gde se pista zavrsava i cvrsto se uhvatise za svoja sedista. Avion se sve vise priblizava mocvarama i putnici su sve vise uplaseni. Kada je avion stigao blizu kraja piste i mocvara se opasno priblizila zavlada panika i svi pocese da vriste kao ludi. U zadnjem trenutku avion se podize od piste i uspesno poleti. U pilotskoj kabini: "Uhh Miko! .. Jedanput ce putnici poceti kasno da vriste i svi cemo otici u ... !"

Dosao zeko u javnu kucu i pita sta ima za deset dolara. Upravnica mu kaze:"Idite u sobu broj pet!" Zeko ode, otvori vrata, kad na krevetu lezi kobra.
Cim vidi zeca, ona ravno na njega i proguta ga. Razmislja kobra u sebi: "Stigla dobra vecera! Cekaj! Ali sta ako je ovo musterija?
Najebat cu od gazdarice!" I ona izbaci zeku nasred sobe. Zeko je pogleda onako iskosa i rece joj prezrivo: "Mala! Kad mi ga budes drugi put pusila, malo manje zini!"

Otvorio medo market i dode zec prvi dan i pita da li imaju jagoda. Medo kaze da nemaju. Ali zec je bio uporan i svaki dan dolazio pitati isto. Medo mu kaze: Ako jos jednom dodes traziti jagode, prikucati cu te cavlima na zid. Dode slijedeci dan zec i pita: Imate li mozda cavli? Medo kaze da nemaju, a zec ce na to: A jagoda?

Pala kisa, potok nabujao i odnio most. Skupila se cijela suma na radne akcije da ga poprave samo nema zeca. Kaze sova: "Ajde, lijo, daj odi po zeca, opet se pravi pametan." I ode lija, kuca na vrata,objasni mu o cemu se radi, a ovaj odgovara: Pusti me, lijo, jebem."
"Ajde, znamo zeku kakav je, nek' mu bude.", kaze lisica. Drugi dan opet nema zeca, ode ponovo lija i dobije isti odgovor. Treci dan sova popizdi i posalje medvjeda da konacno dovede zeca. Dode medo pred vrata, pokuca, objasni o cemu se radi, a zec opet odgovara: "Ma pustite, jebem!" Na to medo razvali vrata, a ono zec sjedi za stolom i jede. "Pa, mislim, zec, rekao si da jebes, koji ti je to stos?"
A zec odgovara: "Ma jebem ja vas i vase radne akcije!"

Suncanog nedjeljnog jutra dotrci zeko do lisicine jame, taman kad lisica mota joint. - Srami se! Takav lijepi dan, usred prirode, a ti se hoces drogirat! Bolje ti je da ides sa mnom na jogging! Lisica si pomisli:  - U pravu je, -baci joint i zajedno otrce. Dotrce do vuka, koji si je bas grijao zlicu iznad svijece. Zeko ponovo: -Vuce, pusti drogu!
Trci sa nama, zdravije je, pogledaj kako je danas lijepo jutro! Vuk malo gunda, a u sebi si misli: - Mali je u pravu, - i krene s njima. I tako oni trce okolo, usput pokupe jos kunu, koja je snifala koku, medvjeda koji je zapalio vodenu lulu i u ekipi je vec lijepi broj zivotinja kad dotrce do lava, starog dzankija i zeko vec izdaleka vristi: - Hej lave! A lav kaze: - Pa zar uvijek cijela suma mora trcati kad je zeko na bombonu?!

Stoji zeko nad provalijom i dere se: kravoo, kravoo. Dolazi medo i pita ga sta radi na to ce zeko: nista pusti me i nastavlja kravoo kravoo. Medo opet: slusaj zeko ako mi nekazes sta radis sad cu te tu zgaziti. Ok rece zeko dodji ovamo nagni se dobro dolje jos malo i na samu ivicu provalije ga navuce i onda ga gurne i nastavlja: medoo medoo

Vraca se sumskom stazom pijani zec. Vidjevse ga dva vuka i obojica pomisle kako ce ga pozderati. Zec, pijan i uplasen, pade u nesvijest, a vukovi se u borbi za zeca medusobno pokolju i mrtvi padose. Kad se zec probudio vidje vukove kako leze mrtvi, pa rece: Trista mu mrkvica! Svaki put kad se napijem, napravim neku svinjariju!

Postroji lav sve zivotinje iz sume na obliznju liticu i kaze: -"Ko ima muda da skoci postati ce moj najbolji prijatelj i dati cu mu da mi pojebe lavicu."
Ostale zvijeri su se pogledale i zasutjele. Prolazi tako 2 sata, 5 sati, pada mrak, tek lav zacuje:- "Tras". Pogleda on, ono medo brise prasinu sa sebe i kaze:- "Lave, sad cu ti jebati lavicu, a te bi zeko cu jebati majku!"

Dosao zeko u pekaru i pita:-"Imate li burek sa mrkvom?"
-"Nemamo."
Dode zeko sutra i pita:-"Imate li burek sa mrkvom?"
-"Jesam ti jucer rekao da nemamo."
Naredni dan pita zeko:-"Imate li burek s mrkvom?"
-"Ala si ti zeko dosadan, rekao sam ti da nemamo."
Odluci pekar da napravi burek za zeku.
Sljedeceg dana pekar jedva ceka da dode zeko u pekaru, i kad
je konacno dosao:  -"Imate li burek s mrkvom?" 
Pekar, sav sretan: -"Imamo, koliko?"
Zeko: -"Jel da da je bljak!"

Setala lisica sumom, i na njenu nesrecu zaglavila se izmedu dva bukova stabla. Ni tamo, ni 'vamo. Naide tuda zec i vidjevsi nemocnu lisicu, on je odradi. Lisica se poslije izvuce iz nezgodne pozicije i pocne tragati za zecom da mu se osveti. Nade ga na jezeru, izvalio se zeko na leda na po jezera i pluta. Sad lisica gleda kako da ga navuce na suho, pa mu veli: "Zeekooo, haj' malo 'vamo, bi li mog'o opet ko 'no danas..." Kaze zec: "Ma jok, kad jebem - jebem, kad plivam - plivam..."

Napio se zec i pao u potok. Dosli medo i lisica pa mu kazu: -
Ajde zeko izadi, utopit ces se. A zeko ce na to: - Odjebite vi kopnene zivotinje!

Before the inauguration, George Bush was invited to a get acquainted tour of the White House. After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom. He was astonished to see that the President had a gold urinal. That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the urinal. "Just think," he said, "When I am President, I'll get to have a gold urinal!" Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been with his discovery of the fact that in the President's private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.. That evening, Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed. Hillary turned to Bill and said, "Well, I found out who pissed in your saxophone."

Silova suljo mehu, Meho ga prijavi sucu za prekrsaje, sudac dize optuzbu i pita sulje. Suljo zasto si ti izvrsio nad Mehom sexualno silovanje? Sta mu ga je to sexualno gospon sudija. Znasli ti da si ti Mehu jeba u guziocu, a gdje bi ga ti gospon sudija na drugo mjesto.(((((((

Zasto utakmica Kolumbija-JAMAJKA nikad nije zavrsena? Zato sto su Kolumbijci posmrkali sve crte, a Jamajkanci popusili svu travu!

Imao haso papagaja i svaki put je dobacivao njemu kad on prci fatu jednoga dana fata rece ili ja ili papagaj ovo vise nemoze ovako.Kaze haso sta cu bona sa njim crknut ce napolju zima je a fata: sta me briga ili ja ili on.Tako haso odluci da zaprijeti papagaju i kaze mu budes li jos jednom dobacivao meni i fati kad ja i ona radimo ono iskopat cu ti oci.I tako i bilo pala noc fata legla haso navalio a papagaj ni mukajat okrenuo glavu i uopste ne gleda.To sada zafalilo hasi pa kaze fati de ovako fato de onako ali papagaj nista te ce ti haso fati hajde bona fato se popni na onaj ormar a ja cu te ovako docekat na krevetu te ce ti papagaj na to: JEBES OCI OVO MORAM VIDJET.......HAHAHAHA////

A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts." She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start." This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts." "That's it!" She blows her top! "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?" The husband sighed. "It started!"

Goldstein za pisoarom gledajuci u susedov argument pita: I vi ste Jevrejin? Ne, kaze ovaj, potrosio se od upotrebe!

Muji se rodio sin,i prijavljuje ga maticaru. pita ovaj: Koje si ime izabrao ? Mujo kaze: Amerika ! Djes budalo sinu dati ime Amerika ? Pa, fino bas tako! Pa, dobro kako ces ga zvati ? eSADe!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dosao Lala kod doktora (onako debo',pa znojav, zadihan,sa sesiricem)pa kaze: Bas se nesto ne osecam dobro, doktore! - Pa kako da ne, rece lekar, vidi kako izgledas, debeo ! Sigurno su ti trigliceridi i holesterin visoki ! Znam ja, nastavlja jedes puno masti i slanine,sunke,kobasice! Pa jeste rece Lala. Pijes rakije , spricera, srce ti vec popustilo! opet ce doktor. Lala uzima sesir i krece: Docu ja neki drugi put kad necete biti tako nadrkani !

žalio se mujo sulji da BRZO SVRŠI KAD GUZI FATU.SULJO GA UÈI DA KAD GA STAVI DA MALO IZVADI PA FOL ODE DA SE UMIJE,PA OPET STAVI PA OPET IZVADI FOL ODE DA SE NSPIJE VODE PA SVE TAKO.ONDA MUJO UFATI DA GUZI FATU TAMAN GA STAVI PA ODE DA SE UMIJE,OPET DOÐE PA GASTAVI PA OPET IZVADI,KAD ÆE TI NJEMU FATA MUJO HOÆEŠ LI TI MENE JEBAT ILI NEÈEŠ MANI MI SULJINIH FOLOVA

Lalo, znas ti sta je to kabel? Ih, ta kako ne bi znao. Ta jas' to stoput jeo. Naopako, Lalo! Kabel je dugacka debela zica. Aaa...e, ondak nisam!

U IZRAELU. DEVOJCICA DOLAZI U RADNJU. I PITA :IMATE LI ZVAKE? PRODAVACICA JOJ DAJE ZILETE UMESTO ZVAKA. DEVOJCICA SE KRVAVO OSMEHNU.

STA JE RAZLIKA IZMEDZU PLAVUSE I ORASA? KADA PLAVUSU MELJES NECUJE SE A KADA ORAS MELJES CUJE SE..

Lali zazvonili zvono na vratima. Izaðe i ima šta da vidi: lopov maskiran i sa pištoljem u ruci. Pare ili život- povika. Lala se mrtav ladan okrene i vikne Sosi: "Soso, živote moj, traži te neki èovek!"

The year is 2012 and the United States of America has recently elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, a Susan Goldfarb. She calls up her mother a few weeks after election day and says, "So, Mom, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?" "I don't think so. It's a ten hour drive, your father isn't as young as he used to be, and my gout is acting up again." "Don't worry about it Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door." "I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy-schmantzy, what on earth would I wear?" "Oh Mom" replies Susan, "I'll make sure you have a wonderful gown by Christian Dior." "Honey," Mom complains, "you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat" The President-to-be responds, "Don't worry Mom. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York, kosher all the way. Mom, I really want you to come." So Mom reluctantly agrees and on January 21, 2013, Susan Goldfarb is being sworn in as President of the United States of America. In the front row sits the new president's mother, who leans over to a senator sitting next to her. "You see that woman over there with her hand on the Bible, becoming President of the United States?" The Senator whispers back, "Yes I do," Says Mom proudly, "Her brother's a doctor."

Otisla dva zigojnera na bazen. Jedan se popeo na onu skakaonicu od 3m a drugi na onu od 10m. Gleda onaj odozdo na onoga gore pa mu vice: Odavde izgledas ko orao. "Jel zbog figuru ??!!" "Jok bre, zbog nokti??!!!"

Koji ce biti glavni grad nove Unije Srbije i CG ? Ulcinj ! Zasto? Jer ima SOLANU !

Kako razgovara pametan Jevrejin sa glupim Jevrejinom: TELEFONOM IZ NJU JORKA !!!!!!!!!!!

Uci Mujo SFOR-ca bosanskom jeziku. Prva recc: MERAK. Uci nesretnik, kad upita: A mozes li ti to meni malo objasniti znacenje te reci da je bolje shvatim? Jel, kaze Mujo, jesil jebo nekad kozu ? Ja ? NEEEEE? E, jebi ga, djes onda znati sta je merak !

Jedan stari,jevrejski. Razgovaraju katolicki, protestantski pop i rabin o ccudu ! I kako religija stvara ccuda. Katolicki potkrepi to dogadjajem: Onomad putovao sam brodom za Njujork. Kad na pola puta krene oluja, baca brod, kapetan nezna sta ce.Ja kleknem pomolim se i zamolim Boga za milost. Kad izadjem na palubu iamm sta da vidim: pet metara levo i desno oluja a oko broda mirno more.I tako uplovismo u Njujorsku luku. Slicno se i meni desilo recce protestantski pop: Ja sam putovao avionom za Kanadu. Isto negde iznad okeana nevreme, baca avion, svi povracaju, nema spasa. Pomolim se kad: Imam sta da vidim: pet metara levo i desno nevreme, a oko aviona mirno vreme. I tako mirno sletesmo u Montreal. Ja nisam ,istina putovao, rece rabin, ali desio mi se ccudan dogadjaj! Ssetam subote pre podne kroz park, kad primetim pored drveta vreca sa dolarima ! I to, stotkama ! Ako dugo ccekam neko ce da odnese. Sta da radim ? Ssabat je! I tu se pomolim kad otvorim oci imam sta da vidim: Metar levo i desno subota , a oko vrece SREDA !

Mis izvadio slonu trn iz noge. Ovaj iz zahvalnosti ga pita kako da mu se oduzi. Pa, da te malo kresnem rece mis! Ajd, dobro rece slon, spasao si me muka.Mis krene, radi li radi. Majmun sedi na drvetu i pogodi slona jednim kokosom u glavu. Slon viknu: Ej, lakse to boli ! Nije to nista, to je samo pocetak dobaci mis !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dosla raja sa ekskurzije iz Engleske. Prvi cas, cas razrednog starjesine. Pita razrednica Pericu: "Perice, mozes nam ispricati kako ti je bilo na ekskurziji..." "I' m not Perica", kaze on, "I' m Perry." "OK, Perry", kaze razrednica, "reci nam kako ti je bilo u England." "OK", kaze Perica, "ujutro bih rano ustao, oko 7, doruckovao bih, zatim bih se ispeo na verandu... tamo bih bio negdje do rucka, a zatim bih rucao, pa na verandu... tu bih bio do vecere, pa opet na verandu... i tako iz dana u dan." "OK, Perry, nije bilo bas zanimljivo", kaze razrednica, "Verice, reci nam ti kako je tebi bilo." Verica: "I'm not Verica, I'm Veranda."

Na ulazu u Raj cekaju u redu jedan pop i jedan vozac autobusa. Sveti Petar propusti prvo vozaca, a popa ostavi da ceka. - Valjda sam ja zasluzniji. - Naljuti se pop. - Ni govora. - Odgovori Sveti Petar - Ti kada drzis propovedi u crkvi svi spavaju, a on kada vozi autobus svi se mole Bogu.

Four young novice nuns were about to take their vows. Dressed in their white gowns, they came into the chapel with the Mother Superior, and were about to undergo the ceremony to marry them to Jesus, making them "brides of Christ." Just as the ceremony was about to begin, four Hasidic Jews with yarmulkes, long sideburns and long beards came in and sat in the front row. The Mother Superior said to them, "I am honored that you would want to share this experience with us, but do you mind if I ask you why you came?" One of the Jews replied, "We're from the groom's family."

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED: Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.